Managing Conflict

Managing Conflict

For me Basic Concepts Underlying Conflict is interesting. I have a Relationship conflict with my mother as I would come home late because of hockey matches. My mother does not like me to reach home late example 1030pm. When I was in secondary two I was selected to play for the Singapore Age Group that is Under 18, Hockey Team. Their training would be held at Newton Complex (CCAB) which is extremely far away from my home.

Whenever I reach home at 0930 to 1000pm, my mother thinks that I am playing a fool with my life. She always would nag and scold me. I tried to explain to her as she always assumes that I am mixing around with bad accompany.

This went on for 3 years. There was this day that I asked my mother to come and pick me up as I needed to get home early to complete my homework. My mother asked me for the venue and time so that she would be able to fetch me. I told my mother that I would finish at 9.15pm; her reply was “What around there? Give me a definite answer!” I repeated my answer.
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When I had finished my training my mother was waiting for me. I was extremely scared that she would nag at me as told her I ended at 915pm but eventually the training dragged till 9.35pm. After I packed up to leave, my hockey coach accompanied me to meet my mother.

My coach spoke to my mother about my hockey performance and asked her how I was doing in school. At the end of the conversation my mother thanked my coach for explaining to her what was going on. It was an unforgettable day, as I didn’t get scolding and my mother was very happy for me.

From that day, my mother understands why I come home late and doesn’t question me. I was happy that my mother gave me her support and that gave me confidence. I was able to perform in my games better then before and on some occasions I would invite my mother and sisters to watch my games. And they are happy that I am enjoying myself with my friends. My mother finally knows that I am not mixing with bad company.

I have learnt that communication is important. Because without communication, the other party may assume the worst which may further aggravate the situation or place an unnecessary strain on the relationship.

Listening Skills

LISTNEING SKILLS

After attending this lesson, I have learned how to evaluate my present listening skill level, barriers and techniques to improve on listening skills. Exactly “Listening” is an active two way process. By listening you would be able to improve self-esteem, confidence, team work, trust and sense of belonging.

I have learned the ground rules for Effective Listening:

Look interested and Lean
Ignore or Overcome Internal and External Distractions
Suspend Judgments
Tell them what you’ve heard
Experience their side
No interruption

Let me share my experience about LISTENING with you.
In Secondary 2, I was nominated by my teachers to be a student councilor. They felt that I had the qualities to be a good councilor. As I am patient and I could communicate well with my peers.

I have councilled fellow school students and they have taken my advice for the better. To equip us with the correct skills to council, me and my fellow councillors were sent to attend a seminar on how to help those people in need of a listening ear and help them make a rational decision on how to overcome their difficulties.

I had learned so much from the speaker that I am able to improve my listening skills. I learnt that learning to listen takes practice and this skill is not developed overnight
Everyday is a learning process. To listen, you need to be able to focus on what the person has to say even if there are distractions, your facial expression plays an important role that shows if you are interested or not, before giving your opinion, you have to put yourself in the other person’s shoes to understand their situation better.

Never give a direct answer what you feel in that moment. We have to stop and think before we speak. I learnt this lesson the hard way. A friend called me and told that me that she didn’t do well in JC and she wanted to commit suicide and she is unable to handle the pressure from her family. My first response was to laugh as I was so close to her that I felt that she was just joking about it.

The next thing I knew, I received a call the next day informing me that she tried to attempt suicide and she was admitted in hospital. I was very disappointed with myself as I had let a friend down. That day I had a second chance to listen to her problem and I used my skills as a councillor and I heard her problem and I gave my advice to her and I followed up with what I said. I continued to talk to her and was able to help her by listening to her. Eventually with the help of a close friend and family support, she is now a NTU graduate.

MANAGING ANGER

Managing Anger
I have learned an invaluable lesson that anger can be managed if I am aware of my behavior and identify the triggers of anger,my thought patterns, my bodily change, behavioral responses and to initiate strategies to manage my anger. I have learned the COW behavioral responses to anger.

My anger was a major problem to me. When I was angry I would not face my problem or the cause of my anger instead I would choose to ignore the situation by removing myself from the situation. Some of the problems of my life thus remain unresolved till today.

Let me illustrate with a simple example from my childhood. I was given the responsibility to fetch my youngest sister, Ashwini from pre-school.

I had an unbelievable amount of schoolwork that I had to complete. To make matters worst, I was encountering difficulties in understanding my schoolwork let alone finishing my homework seemed like a mammoth task. I lost track of time and only remembered that I had to fetch Ashwini till it was a bit too late.

I rushed to her school, only to find her alone and sobbing uncontrollably at her school gate. It must have been a terrifying experience for an eight year old. Guilt overwhelmed me and I truly felt like such a lousy and irresponsible sister and person. I promised myself that such an incident would never happen again.

An eight year old being an eight-year old, told my mum about me being late to fetch her. My mum, a forty five-year old being a forty five-year old, became irrational and started screaming at me without even hearing my explanation, let alone my apology.

I was blown over by anger and frustration at her needless accusations and screaming and not even giving me an opportunity to explain. I was late because of schoolwork and not because I was gallivanting with my friends. It seemed very unfair, considering I was already feeling guilty and juggling responsibilities as a student and a sister.

I did the only thing I knew how to do. I left the house without informing anybody of my whereabouts and went to my eldest sister's house. My mum was worried sick and I was ticked off my by my eldest sister for worrying my family. I kept to myself and did not attempt to speak to anybody. I eventually felt very alone and isolated.

Several similar events have occurred and me running away from my problems has become a vicious cycle.

After this lesson I have gained a new perspective in how to manage my anger. Now when anybody is screaming at me, I have learnt to control myself to cool myself down, I remove my self physically from the situation and wait till the other person's anger has been spent out. After which I explain myself and my actions in a cool and calm manner. As for my mother, I try and empathize with her as I know she is trying her best at being a single-parent.

Even though, it has only been a short time that I am using these anger management methods, there has been a personal difference as I feel more at peace with myself and no longer feel isolated. My family is also glad to see that I have opened up my lines of communication and no longer see me as a brooding teenager.

It is only the beginning for me, but a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step, and I am taking that first step.

ENHANCING SELF-AWARENESS & SELF-ESTEEM

ENHANCING SELF-AWARENESS & SELF ESTEEM

Self-Awareness is being able to know what you want in life and in doing so, have confidence in yourself. If you are a very reclusive & quiet person or have doubts about yourself you would want to start off by doing a reflection. Seek advise from your close ones (eg family members) Interact with others or compare yourself with a person that you look up to.

Self Esteem is connected with Self Respect, Self Understanding, Self-Motivation, and Self Determination... But it is important to understand that if you have a low self-esteem, you are not confident with yourself. You must be proud of who you are and what you do. Few other important points is being able to pick yourself up when there is a disappointment or a failure and challenge yourself by proving people wrong about you, and make them feel that they made a wrong thinking about you.

Let me talk about what affects my Self-Image and Self-Esteem and How did I deal with it.

When I was Secondary one I joined Hockey and my team-mates didn’t communicate with me so much as they use to communicate in Chinese but I had a problem I was a quiet girl and didn’t like to talk to anyone. Being the only Indian girl in my team I felt left out so I decided not to go for training. But whenever I was having my lunch or break I would see my team-mates having so much fun and joking away.

One day I told myself I have to come out from my quiet zone and learn how to communicate with others so my first step was to attend training. They looked at me and was shocked that I was at training and didn’t communicate with me and the reason was I went missing in action. That didn’t make me stop going for training regularly. They knew I was putting so much effort and time and they made me one of them.

If not for them I would have been the quiet girl but now I love to talk and anyone can approach me for help and advise. It completely changed my life. So my advise to people Is never give up what you love to do, have that determination and a never give up attitude. Eventually you would be able achieve what you want one day.


5 Years from NOW

I want to share what I was 5 years ago. So many have taunted me since I was primary school. Ever since I entered EM3 stream to the Normal Technical stream in secondary school and being an ITE Student. The words, “Slow learner, No hope” just made me down. It affected my esteem deeply. That was the reason I lacked confidence, was quiet, reserved and was pretty much an introvert.

It was only after joining my hockey team and establishing some very close friendships that I received support and set some goals for my self.

My goal was to go to ITE and excel there, and then proceed to poly. I didn’t tell anyone my goal until today. I wanted to achieve it and felt that if I told people about my wanting to go to poly they might laugh and make sarcastic comments or ridicule me about have such dreams. You see, unfortunately, a substantial number of people have misconceptions that going to an ITE are the end of the road. However I was proud that I went to ITE and learned a lot there. Receiving sports awards was an achievement but having good grades was something to keep up with. My grades were mediocre when I was in Nitec. It was when I was in Higher Nitec that I reminded myself about my goal.

I worked very hard consistently to achieve good grades and excel in sports. After graduating from ITE, I was awarded the prestigious ‘Lee Kuan Yew Model Student Award’. Now I have also attained a place in NP. Too many students coming to poly may be just the next step in their course of education. To others it may be the second option to going to a junior college. But to me, it’s a privilege & I’m very proud of myself for coming this far.

In five years time, I want be doing my degree in either NUS or NTU. My steps to achieve my goal is to have the determination, hard work and by motivating myself to do better.